As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
