My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
