i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize