if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
