alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize