At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
