Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
