I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
