You just made me feel so damn special
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
