May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize