plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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