so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
