I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize