He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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