I'm going to jail i love you
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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