I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
