Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
