Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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