She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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