I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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