We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
