i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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