We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
