i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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