Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
