I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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