Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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