Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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