do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
everyone is single if you try hard enough
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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