Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
