i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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