Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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