nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Mom said you looked used
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize