I molested 6 butterflies tonight
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
