I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
