We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize