i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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