You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
