i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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