i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
