If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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