I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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