I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
