you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He passed out mid-signature
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
