I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
