my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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