you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
