he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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