You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
