It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize