I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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