I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
