Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
