I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am one with the molecules
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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