this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize