you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
