As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
