my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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