Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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