Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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