I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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