I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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