When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
