The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
