I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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