I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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