omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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