If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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