Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
