i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize